Who Am I?

Happy Friday!

Today’s post does not have anything to do with food or exercise, but with some things that I have been struggling with lately.  I like reading when other people overcome things, so I feel that sharing is necessary to help others that may be struggling with the same things.

The past few weeks I have been struggling with understanding and accepting what Erin wants and needs.  For so long during my addiction, I was whatever you wanted me to be that I grew up without a concrete sense of self.  Your values became my values and changed with each relationship that came into my life.  I tried to avoid conflict at all costs, so if I disagreed with you on something, I would simply tell myself to change my thinking so that it was in alignment with yours.  Ta-da! No fighting.

Once I entered recovery, I realized that I had no idea what I liked or didn’t like, what my values were, etc.  If you asked me where we should go to eat, I couldn’t even tell you because I was so used to deflecting and following another person.  My follow up question would always be “well where do you want to eat?”  I needed to spend time figuring out and defining the Erin that I wanted to be.  It is not an overnight process and I can really only fine tune things by trial and error.  I figured out the big ones, but it has been harder for me to not define myself based on what other people think since I have been doing it for so long.

The hardest part is to understand and accept that I am my own person.  I don’t have to let other people influence me to the extent that I could.  The only conscience that I have to answer to is my own and if I am happy with my decisions then that is really all that matters.  It is both a beautiful and an extremely frustrating process.  Beautiful in that I am finally able to become the version of myself that I want to be, but frustrating in that I can’t snap my fingers and have it be done.  There are numerous times where I am uncomfortable in the process of discovery and want to give up.  It is so much easier to go along with someone else than figure out what I want, but I know where that has gotten me and I don’t want to be in that place again.

Today I really enjoy figuring out my likes and dislikes.  Figuring out who I am makes me feel more complete and I can give of myself fully in all relationships if there’s actually a full person to give.  I am able to set boundaries, stand up for myself, and accomplish more in life by learning who I am.  The past few weeks I have been in the process of fine tuning things and recognizing that some of my beliefs were molded on a warped perception of events in my life.  It is hard to question things that you have believed for a long time, but today I am being more open minded to the idea that my way is not the best or only way.  It is only by doing that that I can achieve the change that I am striving for.

The good news is that things seem to be on the upswing and I don’t feel as uncomfortable as I have lately.  I guess you could classify this post as the intangible part of An Inside Job, but these things are just as (if not more) crucial as the eating and exercise that I do to keep my body healthy.  The mental, emotional, and spiritual parts of myself also need to be cared for if I want to live a healthy and fulfilling life.  I am thankful for the tough times because without them I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good.

Ok, I lied. Here is some food:

Roasted kabocha for a midnight snack last night.  SO GOOD.  It tasted like Honey Sunshine cereal from Kashi if anyone is familiar.
Ok, lie number two.  Exercise.  I hurt myself at the gym last night 🙁  It was leg day again and I did the same workout that I have been doing, but when I got on the leg press, something in my groin got strained and I had to stop after 2 reps.  It was quite embarrassing to take the time putting on the plates only to get up and take them off.  It still feels twingy (I’m making it a word) today, so I really hope that it doesn’t take as long to heal as my hip did.  I didn’t try running afterwards because I was scared.  I could still work out my hamstrings, but squats and lunges were out of the question.  I will keep you updated.  Send me healing thoughts!!
I hope everyone has a great weekend and a good rest of your day!  Remember that you are worth it.
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