Recently, I was on the Nourishing Women Podcast where, among other things, we discussed the raising of our children (Victoria’s daughter is only a couple months younger than Miles). I mentioned that I had learned a lot from certain accounts on Instagram, and I felt like it was important to share those with you as well.

There are TONS of parenting accounts on Instagram and they all vary in their mission and intent. When I did some research online to see if there were ones I was missing, many of the “must-follow” sites really only had snarky, humorous posts. There’s absolutely a time for those, but for the purposes of this post, I wanted to share the ones that I have actually learned from and have given me tools as I begin to navigate Miles’ toddler years.

These are all accounts that I follow, and if there are any accounts you have found helpful that you don’t see below, please leave them in the comments and I can update this page. I’m sure I haven’t discovered nearly all of them.

@drbeckyathome

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The range of emotions we can tolerate as adults comes from the range emotions our parents tolerated in us as children. . A related thought is true as well: we tend to react harshly to emotions and experiences in our children that our parents could not tolerate in us. . To build resilience in our children, we want to help them learn to tolerate all the emotions under the sun. Especially the hard ones. . You might be wondering “Ok, sure, that makes sense… what do I DO about that?” . Sit with your child in her distress. Sit with your child in her sadness. Sit with your child in her jealousy. Sit with your child in her anger. . I love following these three steps for “sitting with” and building resilience: Acknowledge, Validate, Permit. In Acknowledge, we name an experience; in Validation, we tell a story of why that experience makes sense; in Permit, we give explicit permission to feel. . An example: “You are sad that we can’t see Grandpa right now. That makes sense – you love seeing him and miss him. You’re allowed to feel sad, sweetie; I won’t tell you not to. Sadness is important; it reminds us what we care about.” . Another: “You’re watching your brother ride his bike; you want to ride yours so badly and haven’t figured it out…YET. You’re feeling jealous. That makes sense – jealousy is something we feel when we see someone else have something we want so badly for ourselves. You’re allowed to feel jealous. I get it.” . Another: “You’re mad. You want to watch another show and Daddy is saying screen time is over. That makes sense, feeling angry at me, as I am the one getting in the way of your having what you want! You’re allowed to feel all that anger. NO, I wont let you kick me, that is absolutely not allowed. But feeling mad? Yes, that’s absolutely allowed.” . In each example, we are helping a child tolerate a feeling and feel at home in his body; this is the essence of resilience-building. . Tell me what you think – drop a comment with questions, situations where you’re thinking it wouldn’t work to apply this framework, areas where you want me to brainstorm with you. And check out #acknowledgevalidatepermit for more ideas (for yourself and your kids).

A post shared by Dr. Becky Kennedy (@drbeckyathome) on Jul 9, 2020 at 5:47am PDT

Dr. Becky is a clinical psychologist and has some of the best advice I’ve seen on how to talk to children and also the work that parents may have to do in order to improve parent-child relationships and keep more peace in the home. I really like her examples of what to do vs. what not to do and the actual why behind them.

@curious.parenting

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✨When we are triggered by a child’s behavior (breaking things, fighting, disorganization) we often lash out by attacking their character (“you’re clumsy”, “you’re bossy”, “you never clean up”). This breaks down their confidence, instills stories about them being a “bad” kid, and shifts their attention from the “broken plate” to our reaction. Countless studies have clearly demonstrated that punishment, including verbal punishment and blaming, is ineffective at producing real change. (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018)⁣ ⁣ ✨Children deserve to feel empowered, confident, and capable, and we deserve a connected relationship with children who trust us. When something happens, we can empower children by focusing on the problem, rather than the ‘perpetrator’. By doing this, we communicate to children that they will always be loved and supported, no matter what they do.⁣ ⁣ ✨“The attitude that children thrive on is one that communicates, “You’re basically a lovable, capable person. Right now there’s a problem that needs attention. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll probably respond responsibly.” The attitude that defeats children is one that communicates, “You’re basically irritating and inept. You’re always doing something wrong, and this latest incident is one more proof of your wrongness.” – Adele Faber + Elaine Maizlish, “How to Talk So Kids WIll Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” ⁣ ✨ If we were blamed or punished every time we did something wrong, our gut reaction might still be to look for someone to blame, rather than work towards a solution. It is hard work to unlearn the harmful patterns we learned as children. Let’s be gentle with ourselves: we are learning and growing, too. ⁣ ⁣ ✨Want to learn and grow along with us? We’re currently talking about ‘How To Talk’ in our Book Club. Book Club members can grab the companion to this week’s chapter, ‘Alternatives to Punishment,’ on our Patreon (with ten alternatives!). If you’d like to join us, we’d love to have you (link in bio).⁣ ⁣ Follow us here @curious.parenting for more raising confident, capable kids. ⚡🌈⁣⁣

A post shared by Curious Parenting (@curious.parenting) on Jul 24, 2020 at 4:32pm PDT

Curious Parenting describes themselves as “community resources for all caregivers interested in raising resilient, liberated kids.” There is an emphasis on the belief that emotions are messages and we need to pay attention to them when coming from children instead of trying to make them go away because they annoy us, etc. There’s tons of great advice and information on this page – which the other 146,000 followers agree with.

@biglittlefeelings

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Tantrums take a toll. They’re exhausting, draining, and totally defeating for us as parents. 🌪⁠ ⁠ And yet, 2 minutes after the meltdown, your toddler snaps back, just like that. Wanting to play, wanting your hugs, wanting to be happy again. 🤯⁠ ⁠ It isn’t easy, but right after a meltdown, try to let it go. 🧘🏽‍♀️ Take a deep breath and exhale the resentment, anger, and tension.⁠ ⁠ Show your kid that you still love him, that you’re still there, no matter how big of feelings they have.⁠ ⁠ If the situation warrants it (ie, there was kicking, or other less desirable behavior), you can coach and connect at a later time, when everyone is calm:⁠ ⁠ ✨“You were having a tough moment earlier today. It’s okay to feel mad, it’s not okay to hit someone. Here are some things you can do instead of hitting when you’re feeling mad” ✨⁠ ⁠ Reconnect and show her you love her no matter what. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️⁠

A post shared by Toddler Experts (@biglittlefeelings) on Jul 21, 2020 at 7:05am PDT

This account is run by a mother of two toddlers and a mom-to-be child therapist. It focuses a lot on dealing with your child’s tantrums in a productive way that allows your children to feel and process their feelings. Again, there are a lot of great examples of how to reframe conversations with your little one(s) to help them grow into emotionally stable adults.

@raisegoodkids

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Be aware of what kind of perspective your child has on the world. ❤️

A post shared by Raise Good Kids PODCAST (@raisegoodkids) on Jun 3, 2020 at 8:18am PDT

Raise Good Kids is a great resource for all kinds of parenting advice, including advice for parents themselves about taking care of themselves and giving themselves a break. There is also a podcast in the works, which I assume will deliver a lot of important information as well!

@sexpositive_families

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Tickling can be a slippery slope in the context of consent violations and safety. The person being tickled may ask for it, may seem to enjoy it, and then suddenly may not but will be less able to clearly communicate their discomfort. . Feeling over-powered and unable to communicate one’s needs can have negative effects on a child’s understanding of their body, consent, pleasure, worthiness, safety, and relationships. This is not a position we want to place children in. . For these reasons it’s best to think carefully about how best to use tickling as a form of early play. Incorporating ongoing consent is important. Use it as an opportunity to teach children how to read non-verbal cues of others, how to check-in, how to communicate their wants and boundaries, and how to respect others’. . Teach them that no one should have to say “no” or “stop” more than once. Help them to understand the body language associated with discomfort and lack of consent. . Ensure siblings, family members, and peers are using tickling in safe and affirming ways. This may require stepping in and speaking up to reinforce healthier play when needed. . And most importantly, parents must lead by example. Do not tickle kids without their consent; they are not property or play things. Children deserve respect and will be better equipped to respect others when they’re raised in environments where their value is upheld via actions as well as words.

A post shared by Sex Positive Families, LLC (@sexpositive_families) on Jun 24, 2020 at 7:40am PDT

I’ve actually learned so much from this account, which focuses on raising sexually healthy children. In addition to the above post, it also made me realize that forcing children to hug other people, even when they don’t want to, takes away their ability to consent to such behaviors. There’s also a big emphasis on teaching children the proper names of body parts, which no longer makes them seem taboo and also gives them the vocabulary to communicate effectively if they ever need to report predatory behavior. It’s a really great account and I highly recommend it.

@resilientlittlehearts

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Your connection with your child is fundamental for their development.⁣ ⁣ ⁣ Especially in the early years of life, a child’s trust that their parent will love them & take care of them (what psychologists call “healthy attachment”) ⁣ is what sets the foundation for their future resilience & emotional health. ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ So don’t worry if you’re the pinterest mom, ⁣ or the pinterest-fail mom, ⁣ or if your children are perfectly dressed, ⁣ or if your kitchen is organized, ⁣ or if you have the latest technology, ⁣ or the coolest toys, ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ All your child really needs is to know that they’re seen, heard, & valued 💛⁣ ⁣ ⁣ #ResilientLittleHearts

A post shared by RESILIENT LITTLE HEARTS®️ (@resilientlittlehearts) on Jun 16, 2020 at 1:46pm PDT

This account focuses on a children’s book series that teaches resilience and emotional health, and also includes tons of insightful and helpful quotes about parenthood. There are highlights filled with free resources, blog articles, and the book itself.

@childmindinstitute

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This summer will be scary for some kids and frustrating for others. ⁣ ⁣ Here’s how to help them deal, from handling disappointment to socializing safely.⁣ ⁣ 𝗣𝗹𝗮𝗻, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗳𝗹𝗲𝘅𝗶𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆⁣ Plans help kids manage anxiety, even if they’re only short-term ones. But be sure your child knows that plans might change — and what will look different if they do.⁣ ⁣ 𝗔𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁 𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘂𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀⁣ How will your child feel when they can’t hug Grandma? What will they say if a friend breaks distancing rules? Talk it over now to make things easier later.⁣ ⁣ 𝗣𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆⁣ For kids nervous about going out, encourage small steps. You might say, “I would love to see you go for a bike ride. Let’s talk about a safe route we could take.”⁣ ⁣ READ MORE – LINK IN BIO

A post shared by Child Mind Institute (@childmindinstitute) on Jul 20, 2020 at 2:26pm PDT

The Child Mind Institute is a non-profit that focuses on transforming the lives of children & families struggling with mental health & learning disorders. Since the pandemic has started, they have a had a lot of content on how to cope for both children, parents, and families, collectively. There’s also a lot of videos from celebrities who talk about what they are doing during this time to take care of themselves and find a little normalcy.

@theconsciouskid

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@trondynewman trondynewman [image: tweet by @trondynewman that reads “For anyone worried about talking to their white children right now—worried that their kid is too young for these conversations—I was 5 or 6 when my Dad told me “no matter what you do, some people will always hate you.” Black children don’t get to not understand racism.”] #BlackLivesMatter #Parenting

A post shared by The Conscious Kid (@theconsciouskid) on Jun 3, 2020 at 10:41am PDT

This account is great because it “focuses on parenting and education through a critical race lens.” I have also learned a ton from this account, as it highlights subject matter that other accounts tend to shy away from. Not only does it focus on race, it discusses acceptance of all kinds and educates about the LGBTQ+ community as well. Most recently, I learned about beloved children’s book authors and nursery rhymes that actually had very racist beginnings. It’s also a great resource for diverse books and ways to help teach your child to be anti-racist.