Not Everyone Is Going To Like You
This post is somewhat of an extension of the one I wrote a couple weeks ago. It got me thinking on a larger scale about one of the lessons that took me the longest time to accept: that not everyone is going to like you.
As I would sit in 12-step meetings in early recovery, I heard over and over again that “not everyone likes me and I’m fine with that.” In my head, I thought “yeah right, if you’re doing everything right then everyone will like you.”
This came from my people-pleasing mentality and that fact that in every relationship I was ever in, I changed myself. I was gifted in being able to tell what the other person desired in a partner and then did everything in my power to become that person. Rather than voice when I was angry or upset, I held things inside to avoid conflict and try to create an illusion where everything was fine and I was the best person that anyone could ever meet.
Ok, let’s just take a second to reread that and see how absurd it is.
Yet that’s how I lived my life for probably two decades.
I was having a conversation not too long after that about relationships. Neil and I had just started dating and he had said something about how he liked me, but didn’t like certain things that I did. I was distraught and assumed that the relationship was over — just OVER (omg Erin stop). I conveyed this to a friend who told me that she loved her husband, but that sometimes he really got on her nerves and there were plenty of things he did that she didn’t like.
My brain literally didn’t understand how you can still want to be with someone if you didn’t like EVERY SINGLE THING about them. If Neil didn’t like something about me, then he was obvisouly going to break up with me as soon as possible. Spoiler alert: we didn’t break up.
My examples come from romantic relationships, but believe me, the same sentiment can be applied to any type of interpersonal dynamic.
Not everyone is going to like you.
It may be because you have different interests, different personalities, or any multitude of reasons that may or may not have to do with you. Know that none of those reasons means you are a bad person.
I was devastated whenever a relationship would end because I felt like it was entirely a reflection on me. If I was working to be everything that the other person wanted, yet they still rejected me, what did that say about me?
Some relationships just aren’t meant to be. If it were possible to change yourself (don’t do this) to fit someone else’s needs and have a successful relationship, that means that everyone in the world is potentially compatible with each other, romantically or otherwise. That’s just not the case.
I know you can think of someone who you do not like. It doesn’t even have to be in a malicious, “I wish you a bitter end,” kind of way. You simply just don’t get along. And that’s fine. It’s fine if you feel that way and it’s fine if someone feels that way about you.
Not being liked by every single person in the world does not mean that you are unlikeable, unloveable, or anything less than an awesome human being.
As an example, let’s bring some fitness into this. Imagine you are running down a path (bear with me). Some people may be running alongside you, either right next to you or farther apart. Some people may be running the opposite direction on the same path. Some people may start out with you, but choose to take a different fork. Some people may be riding a bicycle and crash right into you (HA).
The point is that at times in our lives, we will have those close friends and acquaintances who run right next to us on the path and we will have people who are going backwards that we might not want to travel with. People who started off as friends or partners may find a different way to travel, and that’s ok. Either you or them may feel pulled in a different direction. Finally, you probably want to avoid the bike riders. They seem painful.
As long as you worry about figuring out who YOU are and being true to YOU, you will attract like-minded people. Stop comparing and judging yourself based on the actions of others. Make sure that you are cool with you and pretty soon you can also say “not everyone likes me and I’m fine with that.”
Thanks to Amanda for letting me think out loud.
- Am I the only one people-pleasing like a mofo?
- Wanna be my running partner?
51 comments on “Not Everyone Is Going To Like You”
Here’s my take on people pleasing: No, everyone doesn’t have to like you. And they shouldn’t. But if you put yourself out there, and if enough people tell you you suck, then you probably need to do some self reflection, lol (I’m thinking of a particular political candidate here)
Susie @ Suzlyfe recently posted…Current Status (Health, Goals, Thoughts, Products, More!)
Haha I though of him as well when I was writing this
love! I totally can relate to you about feeling like you needed to change who you were to please others. I feel like this was largely due to my perfectionist all or nothing mindset. Either I was good or bad, enough or not enough, but now I am in a relationship where he loves my strengths and weaknesses and even on my bad days, is still there for me. This was mind blowing for me at first.
In terms of friendships, I love applying what you said here-friendships grow and change and instead of jumping to the whats wrong with me? what did i do? or how do they not like me?, just accept that as beings we grow, change, evolve, and if we have the courage to be vulnerable and show our true selves, it is natural for friendships to change, fade, become stronger, weaker, etc…and that is OK.
Have a great day!
Love all of this. I was (and still can be) a huge black and white thinker. It’s so hard to break those habits!
It took me many years before I realized I needed to stop pleasing others and put myself first. When I did that, I finally lost 80 pounds and began living my life.
Megan @ Skinny Fitalicious recently posted…Living With Avascular Necrosis
Yay! And wrote awesome blog posts like today’s haha
It took me a long time to learn this one too. It is still slapping me hard at times until I remind myself that it’s okay!!It’s funny how we turn to self reflection to fix ourselves when it could possibly be them!
Absolutely. Some things just have nothing to do with us.
I’m definitely a conflict avoider/people pleaser, which works sometimes in some situations but definity not others. I know and understand not everyone likes me or things I do (I’m sure Matt has a list) and I need to get better at having those hard conversations.
Bri recently posted…A speed boosting track workout you can do almost anywhere
It’s so tough though!
LOVE this so much. It’s so true that you’re just not going to get along well with everyone. It doesn’t mean that I hate them or dislike them, but we just aren’t as compatible as others. I can still like them or love them but we don’t spend as much time together as I do with others. I have been such a people pleaser before, but being true to who I was made to be and who I’m changing to be everyday is freedom. 🙂
Emily recently posted…Sugary Cinnamon Raisin Overnight Oats
So glad that you are coming into your own and embracing it!
Oh man, totally needed this today. I woke up to a nasty comment and even though I brushed it off, it’s been bugging me all morning. But it’s so true – as hard as you try, not everyone will like you. In fact, sometimes people won’t like you BECAUSE you’re trying to please them. You just gotta do you, respect others, and appreciate the people who DO like you.
Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood recently posted…Do’s and Don’ts When You See Me at the Grocery Store
Oh no! I hate nasty comments. They can take you down so easily. I hope your day has gotten better and most of the time, it’s them, not you 🙂
I’ve struggled with this in the past. It’s natural to want to be liked. But sometimes I would find myself not speaking up about my true feelings in a group of “friends” because I didn’t want them to know I didn’t agree. But then they don’t know me and either you like me for who I am or you don’t and that’s okay too.
Jen @ Pretty Little Grub recently posted…Mud Hero Recap
Totally. I understand that struggle too. The older I get, the more that bothers me and I try to pick people who are accepting of me no matter what 🙂
This is so perfectly timed! Dealing with this right now.
Carmy recently posted…Friends, Readers, Community
I’m so glad it helped!!
Thank you for an absolutely perfect, honest and needed post! I think our society has built a lot of dependence on others. We look for acceptance with everyone, even if it is not right. This can be applied to so many situations but I hope you do know how much I do like you and your truthful, thoughtful blog posts!
Thanks so much Samantha! I’m so glad you liked it 🙂
This is something I’ve always struggled with but have gotten better in recent years and just as I get older. At my work it is only my boss and I so we spend a lot of time together and only work with each other for the most part! Even that has been a great experience in learning that we might not like everything about the other person and how they work/their work style… but that doesn’t mean you can’t work well together! It’s hard to accept not everyone is going to like everything about me, but I don’t like everything about people I am friends/have relationships with… Haha so it is crazy to expect the same.
Danielle @ Wild Coast Tales recently posted…3 days on Salt Spring Island: what to see, eat and do (day 1)
Oh man work situations can be so tough. I totally get it. Ha I know about the confusion between not liking things about people but expecting them to like everything about you!
OMG, this is one of THE HARDEST lessons to learn. Period.
I totally get that you can’t be BFF’s with everybody (and neither do I want to), but I always believed that everybody should get along with me.
One time, I pursued a friendship that was not reciprocated and even though it’s been a few years, it still stings because that person eventually blocked me from social media… and all I wanted was to be friendly with her. I still don’t know what I did to deserve such a harsh response, but I’ve been trying to learn from it.
Thanks for writing this. And yes, I’d love to be running partners 🙂 Please and thank you.
San recently posted…ToTR | 2016 San Francisco Halfmarathon Recap
Oh no that’s so frustrating! It’s tough too when you don’t know exactly what didn’t work. I always want people to like me too, and if they don’t it takes me awhile to accept it haha
So much yes, Erin!
As human beings, we’re hard wired to focus on things that are negative or aren’t ‘right’. I think it’s part of a deeply intertwined ‘fight or flight’ response and our brains automatically default to “FIX IT!”
That said, the older and more confident I become, the less I care about what others think. Others = outside observers.
Jo @ Living Mint Green recently posted…Weekend: A farewell, R&R and Costco haul
I think that’s what it’s taken for me too – time. As I get older, a lot of things seem to fall into place.
I relate to this post on so many levels. I’ve started to realize (especially recently) that when a relationship ends that it can be GOOD and shouldn’t be a reflection solely on myself.
and I’LL BE YOUR RUNNING BUDDY!
Sara @ Oats & Rows recently posted…Body Shaming and 3 Tips to Not Let It Bring You Down
Great! Now I just have to start running again…
It’s taken me a LOOOOONG time to realize and be okay with not everyone liking me, or not liking everything about me. Sometimes I still struggle with it, but I’m way better at being okay with being me and not trying to please every single person ever.
Ange // Cowgirl Runs recently posted…Update on my Summer Blogging Goals
Aren’t things much easier that way?!
I think for me, instead of thinking “omg, am I likable?” its more “omg this person thinks I’m an idiot.” I take every small critique as “I think you’re stupid and useless” which I guess kind of ties to the people-pleasing/be everything for everybody mindset we’re so “blessed” with (ha). Anyway, great post and I love the running analogy!
Yup – I’ve definitely been there before. Sometimes it still comes up, but it’s gotten better. I used to take every criticism as a personal attack which I then used to talk down to myself. Don’t do it!
PREACH x 1000. I have a post in my drafts on a similar topic and you nailed it- It’s our people pleasing properties trying to take over or convince us otherwise.
No more being a doormat.
Arman @ thebigmansworld recently posted…Healthy High Protein Chocolate Fudge Cake Bars
This is hard for me too. As i get older it has gotten easier to accept but i still struggle some days with it!
Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…Foodie Friday: Favorites!
Me too. I just always try to remind myself of all of this.
really resonated with this post Erin and loved it. I struggle with this too and feel like if someone doesn’t like me, it’s because I did something wrong. Sometimes I feel the need to be everyone’s friend, but I understand that if someone doesn’t want to or doesn’t like me, I can’t take things so dang personally.
Alyssa recently posted…Thinking out Loud 8/11/16
Absolutely. I definitely understand all those feelings. I often take a look at the situation and many times its things that don’t have anything to do w me!
Yep. Even at this stage in my life, I still deal with this. But, thankfully not as much as when I was younger. Gosh I was a real doormat back then! I work with someone who is a HUGE people pleaser. I recently started a conversation with “this has nothing to do you with but …this thing is going to come out from our supervisor with regards to how some other teams are not quite doing their jobs….” and before I could even finish, she said, “I haven’t done that, have I?” SMDH. I try to help her but …. I just don’t even know how to anymore. *sigh* I should have her read this.
Jennifer @ fitnana.com recently posted…FRIDAY FAVORITES #1
Haha yeah print it out and slip it in her stuff. It’s such an anxiety-provoking way to live and I’m glad I’ve been working on getting away from that.
“If I was working to be everything that the other person wanted, yet they still rejected me, what did that say about me?” OMG this is so me! I am about 8 months post breakup and still struggling with thoughts such as these.
Jill recently posted…Europe Trip Part 8 – Athens
It’s such a tough mentality to break. Sometimes people aren’t a good fit for one reason or another, but it can be hard to see that until enough time has passed. Don’t stop believing that you’re awesome!
really like this one. as a fellow people pleaser, this came just in time… this year has been a bit of a bump. i can rest easy. thanks erin.
I’m so glad you found it helpful 🙂
This is something I’ve had to work on as well. I definitely wanted to be someone that everyone liked, in every situation I was in. But eventually I realized what’s most important is that I’m someone that I like, and if I can find other people who like the me that I like, it will be really awesome. And if someone doesn’t like the me that I like, we’ll that’s OK too, we can just move along.
Maggie recently posted…Five Things Friday
Totally. I just wish I knew all of this when I was like 10 haha
Really really great post, Erin! I feel like since I’m almost 40, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that not everybody will like me. But for some reason, it still smarts a bit. I mean, I’m not in denial. I can think of a few people that want me dead as I type this. But I STILL WANT THEM TO LIKE ME. I think. Or maybe just sometimes I do. Humanity is a pain in the ass.
Suzy recently posted…The Finish
Oh I totally get it. Some days I’m like BUT EVERYONE SHOULD LIKE ME IM AWESOME!
Love what you are saying. I agree!
People pleaser, is what I am
I would like to thank you for your article on `not everyone is going to like you.’
I am in recovery as well and I can relate to so much you are saying. I am 45 years old, on my third marriage, and with each marriage or relationship, I was pretending to be what I thought the person wanted. Exhausting!
That just meant that I was not true to myself and a bit unfair and unkind to myself.
As the years move on in my sobriety, I learned that, as some people like strawberries and others like apples, so people just like some people more than others! Including myself!
Thank you for your wonderful, real and interesting blog.
Aw thank you so much leonie! I’m so glad you’re making the most out of YOU. Thanks so much for reading 🙂